Nevertheless, here I am with only two suitcases in my possession and myriad objects that would be nice to take back. What comes and what stays is the question. These memories may fall out of my brain in the next few decades, but they are my bones.
Unfortunate but true, wherever we go, a little part of us always stays behind. Hence, these countless objects that must be packed away suddenly become heavy burdens. The airlines these days charge a ton for overweight luggage. Now, I face the decision yet again as to which memories to keep and which to recycle or donate for some treasure hunter to find. However, as these objects get left behind or thrown away, does that mean that the memories behind them vanish as well?
Yet again, another move. From Bulgaria to South Carolina with an ocean’s worth of distance from the country where the rest of my family resides and my native language is fluently spoken. From Rosewood to Garner’s Ferry, to the V.A. Now to Charleston, first in McAlister, then back to Columbia, a few months in Bulgaria, and back to Charleston to the 58B Smith Street house. From there to a new apartment a few meters south on the same street.
Yes, I am a traveling circus. Hope you are getting a good laugh out of it at least because it is perplexing. Five college apartments, 11 different roommates. At last - 174 Fürstenweg, Innsbruck 6020, Panorama...and none of us show much desire to leave.
Luckily, I have made a home out of everywhere I’ve been.
I was ready to settle into a new life in the heart of the Tirol and spend those days daydreaming. Maybe this place was going to be my new paradise. Perhaps it was going to be four months to get refocused and collect all the thoughts that had escaped me back in South Carolina. Either that or it could somehow shorten the distance between my heart and the soul of my most treasured things – Europe, my family back home, the sea…
Initially, the idea was terrifying, leaving what was somewhat comfortable behind to relocate to a new place. Bizarre mixtures of adrenaline, trepidation, and thrill - this insane feeling that I had never experience before. Entirely on my own, not knowing a single soul…yikes! In a way, it is so liberating to leave the past behind and begin a new chapter of your autobiography. After five intense semesters of college, I was wrecked alongside with heartbroken. The overload was beginning to captivate me so much, there was no room to even take a breath. Luckily, I managed to slip away in time…
All of us slipped away in time, more or less. Everyone had their singular reasons for ending up in Innsbruck. Longing to get away, screaming for adventure, seeking comfort, actual studies and schooling, recovering from heartache, just wanting some ass (it’s okay, we won’t judge you on that one…out loud at least).
The wooden floor of room 424 currently resembles the New York Stock Exchange, it is a wreck and a reflection of poor organization because I was much too busy and engaged in having a good time. Making the most out of these months here has been proven satisfactory. From Monday nights at Pub Quiz followed by Weekender, Tuesdays at the Hofgarten, Wednesday night karaoke, Thursdays who knows where, Fridays wherever the party is, and weekends that have gotten lost between shots and rides on the nighliner…oh my my. Munich, Bern, Vienna, Zurich, Venice, Bratislava, yeah…I can keep listing.
Marilyn Monroe once said, “imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous then completely boring.” I could not agree more – the calm life is for when I replace my Clinique 3-step skin system with anti-wrinkle crème.
So the ultimate question is…do I try to carry the Guiness glass we snagged from Galway on St. Patrick’s day? It ended up in my purse somehow and I used it as a jar for all my pens and pencils. It’s just glass; it is so fragile and has the potential to break quite easily, we even saw that on every street the day after.
Should I take the Mooserwirt hat? The trip to St. Anton itself was total shit, but it was so wonderful to be together with everyone. In addition, they tried to get us drink so we could give them ideas on how to improve summer tourism in the area. Yeah…
Or the magazines I bought to make collages and decorate my room? Everyone ended up with a little something of that art work in the end.
Switzerland brochures, a map of Slovakia. Newspapers full of highlights and new vocabulary words. The Pan/Herta Beerfest banners. H&M tags and a few hefty phone bill papers that never made it to the trash. A forgotten sock, empty wine bottles full of dried decoration flowers. The t-shirt design for the Tirolean Dishwashing Team 2010 shirts, an old ski pass from Kühtai.
The “lists” Natalie, Helen, Bogi and I wrote in Munich. I will never forget the order; however, it would be nice to have that paper. Possibly frame it and hang it somewhere in my new Bull Street bedroom.
What about the sea shell top from the Hawaiian party? Or the flower lay? That was pretty emblematic...it could be all purchased for a Euro or two at a flea market and worn at another costume party.
I want the old, circa 1973 cooking pot that I mixed so much bread in these past months. Grazie, my dear Italian friends. You were my biggest inspiration as far as cooking goes – I had been putting off that skill for too long. Twenty-one years to be exact.
Also, that Ikea wine glass has to go back with me…
All these pieces make me me.
They may be trivial patches apart, but, as a whole, they are a large colorful collage of my history.
Skype has been a major means of communication during the duration of my stay here in Austria. A few days ago, I was speaking with one of my best friends and she reminded me that of an old chain letter we had filled out back in high school. Too many silly questions were asked (who do you like, what’s your underwear preference, and so on). She read me one answer that I gave her that really made me think. The question merely asked “If you could have one thing in the world to make you happy, what would it be?”
My answer?
Unconditional love.
Maybe I meant something regarding world peace…but probably not. I understand the economic necessity of war, every aspect is a two sided blade. Nevertheless, I am on this lifelong quest for the good in people. Also, I am very realistic when need be. Hanging on to the past is pointless; however, here I stand and hope that these four months will never be forgotten.
After chasing this idea for so long, I am now living it and sharing it with all of you reading this.
The two-word response seemed so true and so innocent meanwhile honest and mature, all at the same time, even years later.
As I flip through the forgotten, I realize, what has accumulated in once an empty room back in March is nothing but evidence.
The proof of that unconditional love.
Drawings, notes, pictures, memories, moments.
All the loud dinners in Lorenzo’s kitchen (f*ck you, Mr. Egger), the barbecues in Panorama, running around Innsbruck, kebaps with my girls, going to coffee with Katja, drinking on the nighliner, Karoliina and I staying out until the lights come on, spontaneous trips to exciting places, Natalie and I being “explorers,” dancing at Hofgarten (and yes, even Stadcafe), going for a drink at 6020 after class, rolling cigarettes, the famous one liter of vodka and just some orange juice for color drink, Raquel making fun of my Spanish and the way I say “he’s such a babe,” heart to heart talks during the 20 minute from the nightliner stop back to Panorama, those ridiculous outfits from the Bad Taste party, singing Queen at karaoke, hanging out with Pepe Reina at Down Under, new definitions to old words in the English language, L’ombelico del Mundo, the Beerfest and Panorama (xX) kicking ass, Franco, Natalie, and I becoming a little family, the trip to Vienna and all its craziness, the parties in Akademikerhilfe, the F bus…
Don’t stop me now, I am having such a good time!
The many liters of wine.
…and liquor.
…and beer.
All those substances go alongside with late nights in the company of wonderful people.
The heavy cigarette smell on my clothes is revolting; however, I will miss coming back from a bar at six in the morning and smelling like an ashtray. Party hard. Study “hard.” Yes, we are Erasmus.
I’m reminded over and over as I pick through this accumulated material that has gathered and followed me over the past weeks from place to place that I am loved.
Maybe this was the time of your life; you met your best friends here. Or possibly fell in love, or maybe it was just lust that hopefully broke your bed and not your heart.
Our bodies hate us for all the drinking and sleep deprivation, but whatever. We have the next few months to recover, or at least try. There should be a semi-erasmus semester to help you adjust after your real Erasmus semester. Sound good? Oh yes.
So, what stays? What goes?
It’s only a matter of time until I make these decisions again and my trunks of memories are whittled down more.
This go round, all the kitchen things will have to stay behind, maybe they will be someone else’s inspiration to step away from eggs and toast. All the plastic and papers will be recycled; Austria has really taught me to care much more about the environment.
The class drawings from Natalie are tucked away in a folder full of important stuff.
My countless digital images are backed up on a USB stick and ready to be printed out and proudly grace a new, barren bedroom wall.
All the important bits are safe this time.
Wish I could say I will keep it all. It can get shipped back to the U.S.
But I am confident that it will never be forgotten.
There may not be another tomorrow in Innsbruck, just some picture-perfect day or night that will last a whole lifetime in our minds. It will never end because all we have to do is hit rewind, emotionally at least.
Mark these words, I am forever changed by the amazing people who have glanced into my life and the people who have stayed by my sides supporting me from my start.
We share the unconditional love and all the awesomeness.
For a moment there, we forget about who cares and who does not. The chaos back in the U.S. may be my problem…I lead quite a life in quite a posh college city.
The important thing is that I left for a while to experience something that most of my friends back in America will not get to because they fear branching away from the humdrum routine of Charleston.
That unconditional love will still be there even when the trash man comes on Monday morning. There is no looking back now. Our futures are impatiently awaiting us and hopefully the experience gained while in Innsbruck will be something useful in the years to come.
As I leave a bit of myself behind, I will take a bit of Tirol back with me.
So here is a thank you - grazie, gracias, merci, благодаря, σας ευχαριστώ, kiitos, köszönöm, спасибі, dziękuję, 谢谢, danke - to those of you who are in my life and have made me such a content and fulfilled human being. Even the briefest encounters make me me.
My life is so full because of you.
Here is your reminder - even when the keepsakes are gone, and you’ve lost contact with friends from the past, remember.
Even when you’ve forgotten.
Remember.
Put life on pause, just for one little bit.
Drop what you are doing for a second and take the time to listen.
These pieces are what make you whole – body and soul.
These tiny pieces, moments, and conversation make you…you.
This is a reminder to remember everything good from your longest vacation from reality.
Of course, reunion next summer. :) Please.
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